MJSC :Shift paradigm.

I'M SO WEAK..
The day I was waiting for my Trial Spm result but it came in a much unexpected irregular way. Of course shocking should not be missed from my list. Despite the fact that I already could fathom that Friday was the day, I still shuddered and most importantly I gave the total opposite reaction of my rebellious side. These are few examples of reactions if you are told that you get 3.85 as your final pointer. Which of these do you think you'll fall into?:-
  • Migod! Dammit! Just a lil’ bit more(0.5mark) to increase my mark! What’s wrong with me? Can’t the teacher do something to help me to arouse my pointer to 3.87,perhaps i can be in rank 3 during graduation? Why me? Darn...this is what I get after all the struggles.
  • Alhamdulillah. Praise to Allah the almighty. This is good enough and Allah knows I deserve this. Perhaps I’ve done something that had caused his wrath. However, Allah still gives me chances. He still gives me this result. Masya-Allah. Allah is great.


presenting...the most anticipated result. alhamdulillah 3.85 
(i was in rank 5 during my graduation )
1.Koh Zhang Gen .  (3.96)
2.Ravinrao.   (3.94)
3.Gideon Joseph. (3.87)
4.Tan Jia Jia.   (3.86)
5.Amir Shafiq Zolkiply.   (3.85)
6.Faris Yahya.   (3.83)
7.Siti Mahfuzah Saimon.  (3.82)
8.Jagatheskumar   (3.82)
9.Wang Zhang you  (3.82)
10.Kumutharani  (3.81)

I don’t think I will fall into any of the above. I must say that the feelings were slightly intense but indescribable and what some may call as “mixed feelings”. I am neither a saint nor a caliph. I am just an ordinary muslim still searching for Allah’s guidance. Personally, I was terribly crestfallen to hear the news from my friends that I had failed to include myself among the top3 scorers. I was agitated and I blamed Allah for all my misfortunes. I took His previous gifts to me for granted. Most importantly why me? I lost my mind and only Allah knows how painful the moment was. It was an intangible feeling. I cannot accept that there are people who can perform better than I do. All I can see was anger. I cannot accept that all my hard works were meaningless. For me, being the best was everything. I was fuming and I refused to accept any advises from my dear friends. I cannot tolerate the crucifying feelings that I almost gave up everything . 
"EXAM RESULT WAS NOT EVERYTHING"
I was wrong! I was wrong entirely. Allah was actually giving me a test. Allah was trying to tell me. Stop! Look! The exam result was not everything. There are more things that you are bound to do. What? I looked into the mirror and I asked myself... “What is wrong with me?”. I cannot forego the time lost. What was done was done and tomorrow will be the future.

                                          I thought that i have gain what i what wanted in mrsm :
Good Friend, teacher,Experince,Position
BUT
I forget to bear in mind to do my role to have 'solat jemaah'
in every five period in Surau
esepecially 'subuh' period
Instead,
i usually prayed in the dorm!

Did the result determine who you are in the afterlife? Did this result will make you appear special and important in front of Allah? Did this result suggest to Allah that you’re worthless? Not at all. In fact, Allah sees everyone as equal. Whoever you are; whether you are black or white or whether you’re a Chinese, Malays or Indians; you’re still His servants. He never abandons us. What determines your success in both lives (here and the life after) is your continuous devotion to Allah and his Prophets. Beads of guilty tears running down my cheeks. Why did I get so distressed over petty things so much? Will this result decide me the Heaven or the Hell? The pain was unstoppable. In fact it was piercing even more when there was a battle between my faith and the tingling whisper from the unknown. I have no clue which was right and which was wrong.

As I sat in front the computer, I prayed that Allah will help to ease my pain. I tapped on my keyboard with no direction. My eyes suddenly fell across the story of Hajar, Prophet Ibrahim’s wife. She was left alone with no one except for her son, Ismail. She asked Ibrahim, calmly and with no trace of panic: "Has Allah (SWT) commanded you to do this, O Ibrahim?" Ibrahim (peace be upon him) said, "Yes." Her response reflected her acceptance and optimism: "Then He is not going to abandon us." (iloveallaah.com). Had Hajar complained of her difficulty?

 She was left alone in the middle of the scorching hot dessert and yet she accepted the difficulty and still had faith to Allah! The story of Prophet Ibrahim and his son, Prophet Ismail later played on my mind. Prophet Ibrahim was ordered by Allah to sacrifice his own flesh and blood for Allah. How did they take it? Both of them accepted it and Prophet Ismail (still small yet astute) was ever-willingly agree to offer his body to Allah. What would I do if I were in Prophet Ismail’s place? My life was nothing if I were to compare to the challenges that the Prophets and the sahabbats had to face. Prophet Muhammad was humiliated in Taif when he was trying to deliver Allah’s word to the people. He was stoned and he was badly bleeding. Did he ever give up? Did he ever pray for the people of Taif damnation? How about when Prophet Muhammad was about to leave our temporary world? He murmured “Ummati, ummati, ummati”. He still remembered his people even when at the very last moment of his life. He loved his people although they treated him badly. Allah is the greatest. How can my short life be compared to Prophet Muhammad’s? My difficulty was only a small fraction of the challenges he had to face in order to spread Allah’s world. Astaghfirullah.

I still remember one adage. Allah will never test someone more that someone could afford. Or maybe Allah wants to test me so that I will eventually remember Him. Sometimes getting what we want not necessarily what we need. Allah knows everything. Perhaps if my wish for perfect score was granted, I would turn my back and move away from Allah. Maybe this was a reminder from Him too. Allah holds the final decision and he governs the world. Allah is the almighty. Perhaps this mishap will push me to strive harder in the future:in religion aspect.Maybe I’m still not ready for the success. I will do my best because Allah loves His servants to perform their best in everything (the good).

Finally, this was the answer that I gave to my English Teacher,Mrs Elly who delivered me the bad news
about my english mark for the trial spm exam. 

My english teacher.

“Well teacher, I’ll take this positively.  I realise I still have a lot more to learn. . Maybe my struggles aren’t suffice.I'm sorry for my mark”

(it's true that even 1 mark is important in english test.I was so careless)

I am still continuously learning. Life is all about learning and adapting to changes. And I still seek for the secret to balance my duniaa and my akhiraat. Insya-Allah. To make it better, I finally reach the part of my life that says: "This is my goal. Jannah (paradise)". It’s not easy to be successful in both worlds because sometimes we (subconsciously) put our temporary world as our priority. However, there are the sunnah and the Koran. Those are our life manuals. It is up to us to accept them or not. I need to do my best. May Allah provide us with hidayah (guidance) and illuminate the right path. I’ll take the path untrodden; the path that I used to say no. Insya-Allah I will try my best to protect my iman (faith). I will not let it easily be shaken up by trivial matters. Amiin.

Tawakal for SPM 2010.
 Insyallah 10 A+ will be ours..
(this is my first entry in english!!:))

5 comments:

  1. aku cuma nak komen,GAMBAR AKU DAN PAAN SANGAT SESUAI untuk ko punyer gmbr TAWAKAL..sgat kreatif!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. rse sngt nyesal!sbb prs lorh..insyallah slowly aq improve!:)

    ReplyDelete